Lecherpede's Life Lessons

„…Shit.”

Zmaj, the green Oily Lecherpede, made his way into his home and then to the trolls’ room. He crept into his pallet and sighed, then began brooding over the events of the other day.

Yesterday’s morning, he decided to went out for some walk. Maybe he would meet a nice girl there? But, instead of a girl, something else encountered him. It was a young Oily Conspiracy Cuckoo male, Stefan. Zmaj didn’t hear much about him though. He waved to the other troll, trying to greet him. Stefan not only greeted him back, but also made a move on him. Like, really made it. He crept beside Zmaj and laid his long tail over his long body. Zmaj was quite shocked at it. He laughed nervously and asked what he was doing. Stefan’s reply made it apparent that he was clearly hitting on him, which was a huge surprise to Zmaj. He managed to escape his attentions by telling him that he was a Plague Carrier (which wasn’t a complete lie), but after that they also battled, which ended with Zmaj’s loss. Not only that: after their fight, Stefan decided that he’ll take “care” of wounded Lecherpede. In his own way.

Zmaj sighed at the memory. Was it how he was towards females? Were they really as scared as he was when encountering Stefan’s affections, maybe even more?

All he ever wanted was to get a girlfriend. He once tried to get a one, but at that time he was way different. He tried to seduce her with romantic serenades, gently gestures, good manners… And what did he hear in response? “You’re a pathetic romantic! Get out! I need someone masculine, someone who won’t be some pathetic pussy!” He heard similar words a few times. After that, he found out that girls want men to be vulgar. Direct. Bold. Manly. And he began trying to win their affections by behaving like that. But then again, for some reason, they were finding that gross. Lecherous. Disgusting. At first he was thinking that they were just pretending to be “unapproachable”. He heard that women liked to be conquered, to see that the interested male will do anything to win their affections. And now, after his experience with Stefan, it turned out that he was wrong once again. And that was not only depressing, but also confusing.

Then the doors opened, and Mihi entered the room. She flinched at the presence of Zmaj, but when he did no move or said no word to her, she began to wonder. Something was clearly wrong. “Hey, old perv,” she said. “What’s up? Some girl beat the shit out of you?”

“If only…” Zmaj said and then sighed. “Hey… Am I really that scary and disgusting?” He asked. He’s been told numerous times to gtfo and such, but he didn’t know if the girls were just joking and playing unapproachable, or if those were their real feelings.

Mihi scratched her head at the unexpected question from the ever-self-confident Lecherpede. “Well… You often say some nasty shit that no one needs to hear, and you nearly always invade others personal space, without considering their feelings. So yeah, you are scary. Why you’re asking? And why now?”

Zmaj was silent for a while before answering. “See… I wasn’t like that before. But then other girls kept telling me that I’m too soft and pathetic romantic, and that girls don’t need that shit. So I started being more bold and direct.”

Mihi stared at Zmaj (or at least into the space where he was laying), then said: “I don’t believe you. There’s no excuse for being such a jerk and a pervert like you!”

“Well, believe me or not. It’s just…” He hesitated here. Should he tell her about his encounter with Stefan? No, she’ll probably laugh at him… Finally he decided to tell her. He didn’t mention what happened during their battle aftermath, though. I’d totally blush for shame, he thought.

After hearing the short story about being hit by another male (in more than one way…), Mihi smirked. “He served you right, Zmaj. No one likes it when some stranger invades your personal space and makes dirty comments about you and your body!”

“Well… I just thought that it’s just your way to say ‘Try harder, I want you but must keep appearances and play unapproachable!’ That’s what I got from my earlier experiences... Kinda.”

Mihi struggled for a while as she didn’t know if she should believe him or was it just his way to catch her into his trap. She decided to give him a chance, eventually. “Have you ever done something good for others in your life?” She asked suddenly.

Zmaj frowned. “Of course I have!” He cast a fiery glare towards Mihi. “I helped another troll to defeat another one just like several hours ago!”

“Ooooh,” Mihi was surprised. “Was it a male or a female?”

“He was some sort of a lion-like male troll. His name was Kosoa, I believe. What’s the difference if it was a male or a female, anyway?” Zmaj grimaced, unsure of what Mihi was implying with her question.

“Well, if it would be a female then I’m sure she would be grateful for your help. You should really become a gentleman! I mean… Become him back, if it was how you really used to be before…”

“You think so?” Zmaj pondered. “Are you sure that being nice and all will work?”

“Off course it will! Why wouldn’t it work?”

“Pretty rich coming from someone who steals things from others without asking,” there came a voice. Zmaj and Mihi turned towards it: it was no other than their tamer. “But she’s right, Zmaj,” Aari turned her words to the Lecherpede. “I really hope that Stefan gave you a good lesson. Better than I did with soap.”

Zmaj blushed and lowered his head in shame. “Yeah… He did…”

“But you know what?” Aari smirked. “I think that you actually enjoyed that a bit.”

“No… Wha-… How can you say that?! It was absolutely horrible!” Zmaj exclaimed in high-pitched voice, but with his face blazing he wasn’t too convincing. Mihi and Aari laughed as the Lecherpede hid his head under his blanket in abashment and mortification.